Confessions of a TV Whore

It's been well over a decade since I last subscribed to cable. On a good day I get four fuzzy stations on my TV set. I'm an incurable cinephile, and I mostly use my set to watch movies on DVD. I take a pompous pride in the fact that I don't watch network TV, but today I took a glance at my compact mirror of self-deception and decided that it's time to admit that "Game Over" is flashing above my elitist little charade.

Couch time doesn't lie: In the past two months I've spent about 60 hours watching mainstream shows on DVD - shows that rarely aspire to the artsy cinematic qualities that turn HBO series like The Sopranos and Six Feet Under into "not guilty" pleasures.

Here's a glimpse at the shows that conquered my heart despite all my efforts to condemn them to the trash bins of pop culture.

Dynasty (Seasons One and Two)

A month ago, while renting a DVD at the massive Portland video store Movie Madness, I watched a bunch of clerks fiendishly giggling while watching an episode of the notorious 1980s prime time soap opera. I just had to give it a whirl and - despite frequent stretches of brain-deadening, softly lit Cinemax After Dark-esque melodrama - I pretty much fell in love with it.

These are a few of my favorite Dynasty things: When Krystle's hair bounces every time she walks...When Alexis (Joan Collins) fires a gun to ensure that Krystle falls off her horse, gets dragged on the ground and suffers a miscarriage...when Sammy Jo (the wonderful and completely ludicrous Heather Locklear) calls a stiff-upper-lipped waiter "Hot Rod" and proceeds to trash an elegant party by gyrating to the theme from Peter Gunn...when Blake recovers from hysterical blindness but doesn't tell anyone so he can spy on them...and, of course, when Krystle and Alexis wrestle, tear up fancy pillows and throw vases at each others heads.

Veronica Mars (Seasons One and Two)

Beverly Hills 90210 meets The Maltese Falcon in this occasionally lame but surprisingly fresh and intelligent drama about an impossibly cute and precocious high schooler (Kristen Bell) who sniffs out mystery cases when she's not securing valedictorian honors at So Cal's Neptune High even though we never once see her doing homework. I've heard that season three differs in structure, but in seasons one and two the writers effectively string us along with BIG mysteries (a murder case in season one and a school bus disaster in season two) that span many episodes, and also throw in lots of single episode brainteasers. My favorite character is Keith Mars, Veronica's funny and adorable PI daddy.

30 Rock (Season One)

This Emmy winner for Outstanding Comedy series doesn't really qualify as a guilty pleasure because - with the exception of one or two painfully unfunny episodes - it's very witty and almost always favors rude barbs over cheap sentiment. As the head writer for a Saturday Night Live-esque variety show Tina Fey makes fun of her own bitchiness and she gets lots of chances to show off her formidable talent for physical comedy. Tracy Morgan is hilarious and unpredictable as a mentally unstable comedian, and Alec Baldwin chews up one of his best roles ever as an insensitive-and-conservative-but-somehow-lovable-corporate-bigwig named Jack.